In order of appearance
Miranda: Female, 32 years old
Trevor: Male. Approx late 20’s. Rugged looking. A ‘human’ dog
June: Female. Early 50’s. Dressed smart
Mike: Male 30’s
Jess: Female. Early 20’s. Feline looking. A ‘human’ cat
The customer services department of ‘Wish That Foundation’. A sign above the desk reads ‘WTF Customer Services’, underneath is another sign covered with material. It reads ‘FML Limited’. A counter where June sits and chairs laid out for the waiting room.
A desk on the right of the stage with the sign ‘WTF Customer Services’ written in bold letters. Underneath that sign is another that is covered over with material. JUNE (52) sits behind desk looking uninterested flicking through a magazine. There are a few rows of empty chairs, like a typical waiting area in front of the desk.
(Enter MIRANDA (32) and TREVOR (28) stage left.)
(TREVOR lowers himself to sit on a chair but does not quite make contact with the seat. He watches MIRANDA walk to the desk and follows her when her back is turned.)
(JUNE puts her magazine down, still looking uninterested.)
JUNE: (Sighs) How can I help?
(MIRANDA turns to TREVOR, scowls and points to the chair. )
MIRANDA: What did I tell you? Sit!
TREVOR walks back to the chair, circles on the spot three times, sniffs the seat,
circles again, then sits.
MIRANDA: (Exasperated) Yes, I hope you can.
JUNE: A refund on a wish, perhaps?
MIRANDA: Yes! You are a mind reader!
JUNE: Sorry, no refunds.
MIRANDA: What? No, you don’t understand…
(TREVOR reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tennis ball and drops it on the
floor at MIRANDA’S feet. He watches it, waiting for it to move.)
JUNE: Do you know how many people walk through that door asking for a refund?
MIRANDA: I appreciate that, but this…situation is unique.
JUNE: (monotone) I’ve seen everything, nothing is unique. Just the other day a man came in having asked for an extra pair of hands, the day before that a woman came in having wished she would inherit some money forgetting someone close to her would have to die.
(TREVOR stands and crawls under the chairs, knocking a few over as he finds left
over food on the floor)
MIRANDA: Ok, but when I cashed in my coupon I was not in the right frame of mind.
JUNE: Wish coupons are a sought after gift, with that comes responsibility. You can’t go using it on a whim, wishing your life away.
(MIRANDA picks up the chairs and grabs the tennis ball, placing it on the desk firmly as her stress increases. TREVOR sits crossed legged on the chair )
MIRANDA: Yes, ok, but it is now affecting my quality of life. I wish I never—
JUNE: This is the problem with todays society. They make wishes left, right and centre without any concept of the consequences
MIRANDA: Please spare me the lecture, I just really, really want my dog, my real dog back.
JUNE: No refunds, sorry.
MIRANDA: Look, Trevor is a difficult dog, I just wanted to be able to reason with him, make him understand what I am telling him. I didn’t realise all I would get is a difficult 4 year old German Shepherd in a man’s body.
JUNE: You are not the first to wish their pet was human, and every time I ask, what did you expect?
MIRANDA: I accept my error, I just would really like a refund.
(MIKE and JESS enter. TREVOR stands and chases them out.</em)
TREVOR: GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!
MIRANDA turns and stomps over to TREVOR, grabs his collar and walks him back to the chair.
MIRANDA: Trevor! Sit down!
(TREVOR slumps in chair and stares at MIRANDA as she walks back to the desk.)
JUNE: People promise to be sensible with their wish next time, then the following week they are complaining that no one will talk to them as they wished people would leave them alone, or they are stuck in a perpetual Christmas as they wished it was Christmas everyday…I’ve heard it all.
MIRANDA: (Quietly) Look, can you imagine walking down the street with a man who drops his trousers and starts to…
JUNE: Starts to?
MIRANDA: (Leans closer) Defecate? I was outside the Co-Op, everyone could see. I am surprised we were not arrested.
(JUNE turns away to hide her laughter TREVOR creeps out the chair and stealthily takes the tennis ball back.)
MIRANDA: Yesterday he chased the postman down two streets, he only stopped so he could chase an oncoming car.
(TREVOR drops the tennis ball at MIRANDA’S feet. She bends down, picks it up and throws it off stage. TREVOR exits stage right. )
JUNE: Yes, yes. I see your predicament.
MIRANDA: So, I can have a refund?
JUNE: No, there are no refunds.
MIRANDA: But, you said you understood.
JUNE: That is not consenting to a refund.
MIRANDA: Well, is there anyone else I can talk to? Your manager?
JUNE:The manager is on holiday, I am acting up.
MIRANDA: That’s typical!
JUNE: If you have a problem with that, ‘Sods Law Associates & Partners’ is on the 13th floor.
(TREVOR enters stage right. TREVOR sits on a chair, drops the tennis ball and
MIRANDA: Well, I am not leaving until I get a refund.
(MIRANDA sits next to TREVOR and folds her arms. TREVOR snuggles against her JUNE picks up the phone and dials.)
JUNE: (on phone) Hi, it is June at WTF. Is Gene there?
(MIRANDA entertains TREVOR pretending to throw the tennis ball.)
JUNE: (on phone) Hello Gene, I have another problem…I have a…
(JUNE looks over to MIRANDA.)
JUNE: Sorry, what is your name?
MIRANDA: Miranda Smith.
JUNE: (on phone) A Miranda Smith who redeemed her voucher and wants a refund… Yes, she is another one of those pet people…A dog…A German Shepherd… (laughs)…I know…Ok….I will do…
(JUNE looks back over to MIRANDA and hold the phone out to her.)
JUNE: He wants to talk to you.
(MIRANDA stands and walks to the desk. MIRANDA takes the phone.)
MIRANDA: (on phone) Hello?
(TREVOR stands and walks to the desk handing the tennis ball to JUNE. JUNE
opens a tub of dog treats and hands one to TREVOR who goes back to the chair to eat it.)
MIRANDA: (on phone) Yes, I know we are free to make our own choices, but not free of the consequences…it was on the automated advice line. Yes, a dog training class would have been more appropriate.
(TREVOR stands looking agitated, walks to MIRANDA and taps her shoulder.)
MIRANDA: Not now Trevor, I’m busy.
(TREVOR whispers in her ear.)
MIRANDA: (on phone) I’m sorry, can you hold for a moment? Trevor, my dog, needs the bathroom.
(MIRANDA hands the phone back to JUNE.)
JUNE: The bathroom is out the door on the left, and use the toilet, it isn’t a dog park.
(MIRANDA and TREVOR exit stage left MIKE (34) and JESS (22) enter stage left afterwards. MIKE, holding an empty cat box, walks to the counter JESS sits on a chair and preens herself.),/p>
JUNE: (on phone) I know, people take no responsibility for themselves. All this wishful thinking and never satisfied with what they have. Just ungrateful…I’m closing up in fifteen…Yes, ok…
(MIRANDA and TREVOR enters stage left. TREVOR has toilet paper wrapped around his legs.)
MIRANDA: I’m so sorry, I’ve cleaned up the best I can.
JUNE: (sighs) I’ll get the cleaner out.
TREVOR: (at Jess) Growls.
JESS: (at Trevor) Hisses.
(MIKE stands between TREVOR and JESS.)
MIRANDA: Trevor! Get back here now!
(TREVOR follows MIRANDA back to the desk.)
MIKE: I’m sorry.
(JUNE hands the phone back to MIRANDA.)
JUNE: Can I help?
(MIKE walks back to the desk TREVOR looks suspicious and sniffs MIKE.)
MIKE: Yes, I hope you can.
JUNE: A refund on a wish?
MIKE: Yes! You must be a mind reader.
JUNE: (sighs) Sorry, no refunds.
MIKE: What? No, no, you don’t understand…
JUNE: Do you know how many people walk in here daily asking for a refund? But this is unique (monotone) I’ve seen everything, nothing is unique. Just the other day a man came in after wishing for an extra pair of hands, the day before that a woman came in having wished she would inherit money, forgetting someone close to her would have to die…
MIRANDA: (on phone) This wish is not fit for purpose, I’m not leaving until I get my dog back.
JUNE: People have to understand the consequences of their wishes, you are free to make choices but…
MIKE: Not free of the consequences, I know, they said it on the automated helpline.
JUNE: So, you know there are no refunds.
MIKE: I’m sure this must come under some Act, some loophole, somewhere.
(MIRANDA holds the phone out to JUNE.)
MIRANDA: He wants to talk to you.
(TREVOR approaches JESS.)
JESS: Any closer and I’ll scratch your eyes out.
MIKE: Jess, be nice.
(JESS pulls a face and hisses TREVOR quickly goes to the desk beside MIRANDA who pats his head to comfort him.)
MIKE: You look stressed.
MIRANDA: It’s been quite a week.
MIKE: Yes, I know that feeling.
JUNE: (on phone) I have another one…Yes…this time a cat…(laughs)…I know, every time…
MIRANDA: Is that true? Is that your cat?
MIKE: Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? Just in the heat of the moment, I was so angry with her for being so cantankerous, but being human it has made it so much worse.
MIRANDA: Ridiculous? Meet my dog.
(MIRANDA turns to TREVOR beside her; TREVOR grins and rolls the tennis ball across the desk to MIKE.)
MIRANDA: He has so many problems. I thought as a human I could reason with him. Instead, I have a full grown man who chases cars, cyclists, joggers…anything. And, now he can open the fridge door…and the front door. The postman refuses to deliver to my house as Trevor will just run out and chase him.
MIKE: (laughs) I feel your pain! I’ve had the fire service out three times this week to get Jess down from trees….And, she just opens up cupboard doors and throws everything on the floor, for no reason. The worst one was giving dead mice to strangers, just drops them in their lap on the bus.
(MIKE and MIRANDA smile at each other JUNE puts the phone down, but does not hang up.)
JUNE: Gene, my boss, wants to make it clear that it is standard policy that we issue no refunds. Wish coupons are to be thought out carefully before being redeemed and should not, under any circumstances, be redeemed in the ‘heat of the moment’. It carefully stipulates that in the terms and conditions, which also states should not be redeemed under the influence of drink, drugs, or as a bet. This is all in the advisory booklet.
MIRANDA: Yes, but—
JUNE: However, he is a fair man, and it is closing time. So, we are willing, out of a gesture of goodwill, to offer you both your pets back.
MIRANDA: Thank you!
MIKE: Yes! Thank you so much!
JUNE: I will need both of them to come out the back with me.
(MIKE hands JUNE the cat box.)
MIRANDA: Come on Trevor, go with the lady.
(MIRANDA picks up the tennis ball and throws it off stage right. TREVOR exits
stage right to retrieve ball JUNE and JESS exit stage right.)
MIKE: It must have been very stressful, for you and your husband?
MIRANDA: No, it is just me and Trevor.
MIKE: Oh, I see…Perhaps after we get our pets back, I could buy you a drink…to celebrate a return to normality.
(JUNE enters stage right hiding the cat box.)
JUNE: One cat box for you.
MIKE: Thank you.
MIRANDA: She is beautiful.
(The sound of barking off stage can be heard.)
JUNE: Trevor is just waiting for you outside, he was quite desperate to get out.
(JUNE hands MIRANDA a dog poop bag.)
MIRANDA: Thank you. I really appreciate this…And I promise to think carefully next time.
MIKE: What do you say? About that drink?
MIRANDA: (smiles) Yes…that would be really nice.
(MIKE and MIRANDA exit stage left JUNE picks up the phone.)
JUNE: (on phone) Hi Gene, yes loves young dream just left…They have no clue that they wished to meet each other before wishing their pets away so still a 100% no refund record and your new ‘Find More Love’ enterprise has another success, clever to use the pets like that…Yes the new sign has arrived…
(JUNE removes the material cover from the sign below the customer services sign. It
reads ‘FML Limited.’ )
JUNE: (on phone) It looks good…I’ll see you Monday morning.
(JUNE puts the phone down, grabs her bag and switches the light off.)